Well, well, what have we here? A new report from Greenpeace critical of carbon offsets?
Those green weenies are alleging that one of the most heralded forest offset projects in the world is crippled by miscalculations, uncertainties and questionable leaps of faith.
They say the carbon value of the project was overestimated by 90%. Big deal. They say there’s no guarantee the deforestation and pollution it was supposed to stop didn’t just go somewhere else. So?! They say it didn’t deliver promised benefits to local people living near the project? I’m not sweating the small stuff.
Why? Simple. That was then. And this, right now, is almost the future.
Greenpeace can go on criticizing Offsets Of the Past (OOPs) all they want. We all know OOPs had problems. We all know OOPs made mistakes. Heck, nobody’s perfect.
But we’re not talking about OOPs anymore. We’ve moved on. OOPs are way back in our rear-view mirror and we’re putting the pedal to the metal so we never have to look at them again. I threw out all the photos of me and my OOPs…I just don’t want to think about them anymore.
Move onto something new. Something different. Something that can wipe all our worries away.
Allow me introduce you to the Perfect Offsets Of the Future (POOFs). POOFs are unlike your father’s offsets. In fact, some call POOFs by another name: Not Your Daddy’s Offsets (NYDOs). Now, I’m not sure if your daddy ever owned offsets…my dad did. There’s nothing my daddy liked better after a long day of advertising cigarettes to adolescents than to have the dog bring him his slippers, the afternoon newspaper, his pipe and his favorite pair of good ol’ fashioned offsets. Yeah, his OOPs had problems. But they were his OOPs. And he loved them.
Anyway, you might be wondering how POOFs going to be different than OOPs. After all, smart people have worked on Offsets Of the Past, and they had some problems. What will make Perfect Offsets Of the Future so perfect?
The answer is simple: Smart People Of Our Future (SPOOFs). SPOOFs can look at all the OOPs we’ve made and fix all the problems. They haven’t done it yet, but that’s just because we’re stuck in the present…for now.
Now, some might say: “show me the POOFs! I wanna check them out before we pour lots of money into them and stake the future of the world’s climate on them.” But, we can’t show you them…yet. The SPOOFs aren’t done with their POOFs work yet. But don’t worry. We’ll get to the future soon. Any minute now. CROC will make sure you’re the first to know.
A watched pot never boils. So, don’t be impatient. One of these days you’re gonna be minding your own business when — “POOF!” — Perfect Offsets Of the Future will spring up in front of you. Try not to scream in surprise and delight. You’ll spook the people around you.
In the meantime, while you’re waiting, pay no attention to OOPs or the new Greenpeace report. Read the new issue of InTouch Magazine, or something instead. ‘Cause thinking about OOPs is just dwelling on the past (and present). And, CROC wants you to live in the future. Right now.
Carl
Tags: C.R.O.C, carbon, global warming, hearts, hip, offsets, planet, pollution, trees, truthiness
