Umlauts, in case you did not know, are defined as:

1.) noun. A mark (¨) used as a diacritic over a vowel, as ä, ö, ü, to indicate a vowel sound different from that of the letter without the diacritic, esp. as so used in German.

2.) noun. Two floating dot things that add instant authenticity, awesomeness and a sense of superiority to any word, especially fake foreign junk foods or ’80s metal bands.  Usage: “Häagen-Dazs kicks TCBY’s ass” or “Mötley Crüe kicks Quiet Riot’s and Twisted Sister’s asses put together, combined.  But the ass-kicking capacities of Motörhead and Queensrÿche are statistically, about even.”

Leave it to some persnickity bureaucrats at the United Nations to rain on the parade.  Those picky snoops just suspended TÜV SÜD’s verification of offsets in the world’s largest offset scheme.  Here’s what the UK’s Telegraph newspaper had to say:

“In the past week, the United Nations has been forced to suspend the world’s second biggest carbon offsetting auditor TÜV SÜD under its “clean development mechanism” (CDM) programme over concerns about its practices that were revealed in a spot check. This follows the temporary suspension last year of the biggest and third biggest auditors – between them, the top three are in charge of verifying 70pc of the world’s $30bn offset market.”

So, let me get this straight. The UN has had to suspend the number 1, number 2, and number 3 largest verifiers of carbon offsets in the last year…and those auditors approve the vast majority of the offsets being bought an sold in the world today?  And the liberal media wants us to be upset with these auditing companies?  Or, to distrust carbon offsets themselves?

Högwäsh!!!

First of all, the author of the Telegraph article gave her smear-piece the ridiculous title: “Carbon offsetting needs to stop looking like a medieval religious practice.” Now, I’ve already written about the importance of embracing medieval ideals.  Don’t make me get medieval on you for getting on me for getting medieval.

Second, as C.R.O.C. points out all the time, carbon offsets are the best way to make it look like we’re doing something about global warming.  This is about appearances.  Because appearances make results. Superman without tights is just Clark Kent.  Batman without a cape is just Bruce Wayne.  Hipsters without bad clothes, Apple products and PBRs are just insecure posers trying to get over the psychological damage of being unattractive, mediocre and consistently picked last in gym class throughout high school.

Did you know Häagen-Dazs is a nonsense name for an ice-cream brand started in Brooklyn by Polish immigrants?  They made ba-gillions of bucks fooling people into thinking that stuff was a super-food blessed by the queen of Sweden or something.  Well, the Queen of Sweden herself was born in Heidelberg (editor’s note: not in Sweden) to German/Brazilian parents.  Nothing in this world is what it looks like…so we may as well all look good and stop asking questions.  Appearances, baby.  Umlauts, baby.

No one ever said carbon offsets are supposed to actually prevent every ton of carbon pollution they claim to stop.  Proving that would be near impossible.  And totally hard.

We’re all way better off by concentrating on trust, not doubt.  Faith, not skepticism.  The cover of a book, not what may or may not be written on its pages.

If an offset auditor with umlauts in its name says an offset is a-okay, we should take them at their word.  That should be good enough for us and good enough for the climate.  What’s the alternative?  Keep suspending the world’s largest offset validators?  Stop the Earth from spinning?  Replace dirty coal plants with clean wind turbines?  Invest in green jobs to help revive the American economy?  Keep Tommy Lee away from Jack Daniels?

Yeah.  Göödlück with that.

-Carl

Well, well, what have we here?  A new report from Greenpeace critical of carbon offsets?

Those green weenies are alleging that one of the most heralded forest offset projects in the world is crippled by miscalculations, uncertainties and questionable leaps of faith.

They say the carbon value of the project was overestimated by 90%.  Big deal.  They say there’s no guarantee the deforestation and pollution it was supposed to stop didn’t just go somewhere else.  So?!  They say it didn’t deliver promised benefits to local people living near the project?  I’m not sweating the small stuff.

Why?  Simple.  That was then.  And this, right now, is almost the future.

Greenpeace can go on criticizing Offsets Of the Past (OOPs) all they want.  We all know OOPs had problems.  We all know OOPs made mistakes.  Heck, nobody’s perfect.

But we’re not talking about OOPs anymore.  We’ve moved on.  OOPs are way back in our rear-view mirror and we’re putting the pedal to the metal so we never have to look at them again.  I threw out all the photos of me and my OOPs…I just don’t want to think about them anymore.

Move onto something new.  Something different.  Something that can wipe all our worries away.

Allow me introduce you to the Perfect Offsets Of the Future (POOFs).  POOFs are unlike your father’s offsets.  In fact, some call POOFs by another name: Not Your Daddy’s Offsets (NYDOs).  Now, I’m not sure if your daddy ever owned offsets…my dad did.  There’s nothing my daddy liked better after a long day of advertising cigarettes to adolescents than to have the dog bring him his slippers, the afternoon newspaper, his pipe and his favorite pair of good ol’ fashioned offsets.  Yeah, his OOPs had problems.  But they were his OOPs.  And he loved them.

Anyway, you might be wondering how POOFs going to be different than OOPs.  After all, smart people have worked on Offsets Of the Past, and they had some problems.  What will make Perfect Offsets Of the Future so perfect?

The answer is simple: Smart People Of Our Future (SPOOFs).  SPOOFs can look at all the OOPs we’ve made and fix all the problems.  They haven’t done it yet, but that’s just because we’re stuck in the present…for now.

Now, some might say: “show me the POOFs!  I wanna check them out before we pour lots of money into them and stake the future of the world’s climate on them.”  But, we can’t show you them…yet.  The SPOOFs aren’t done with their POOFs work yet.  But don’t worry.  We’ll get to the future soon.  Any minute now.  CROC will make sure you’re the first to know.

A watched pot never boils.  So, don’t be impatient.  One of these days you’re gonna be minding your own business when — “POOF!” — Perfect Offsets Of the Future will spring up in front of you.  Try not to scream in surprise and delight.  You’ll spook the people around you.

In the meantime, while you’re waiting, pay no attention to OOPs or the new Greenpeace report.  Read the new issue of InTouch Magazine, or something instead.  ‘Cause thinking about OOPs is just dwelling on the past (and present).  And, CROC wants you to live in the future.  Right now.

Carl