Ever have one of those days when the sun seems to be shining especially for you?  When your hair looks sharp and you don’t spill coffee on your slacks?  When you find matching socks right away and didn’t have to look in the dirty clothes bin?  When there’s no barking from the dog, and your mom made breakfast with no hog?  That’s the kind of fantastic day I’m having.

Why?  Well, because I found one of those really great inspirational quotes.  You know, the kind of quote that people put at the end of their emails, often in purple “comic sans” font to inform and/or amuse others as they clean out their inboxes.

Quick backstory.  The esteemed Rick Boucher, a Congressman from Virginia, is a friend of big utility companies.  And why wouldn’t he be?  They are his Number One fan…if, by “fan,” you mean cash donators.  They coughed up $231,597 for the guy the last time he ran for re-election! Damn.  I’ll be your buddy for less than that!

Anyway, some folks have given ol’ Boucher guff about voting for the “American Clean Energy & Security” or “ACES” bill.  They said – “Hey Rick! What are you, a climate-hugger or something?”  They thought he was getting soft and turning his back on big polluting energy conglomerates.

Dumbies.  Boucher knows what he’s doing.  He pointed out in the press that the 2 billion tons of offsets in the ACES bill gets polluters off the hook:

“…Boucher said the bill now includes 2 billion tons of carbon offsets available to industrial emitters to help them satisfy their reduction obligations.

‘That means an electric utility burning coal will not have to reduce the emissions at the plant site. It can just keep burning coal,’ he explained.”

Boo-yah!!!  In your face, doubters.  With enough offsets, utilities “can just keep burning coal.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.  More proof that offsets are a win-win for polluters and politicians.  Suck on that, Greenpeace.  I wonder if Jean can show me how to put that quote on my emails.

I’m gonna have to friend Boucher on Friendster and “poke” him on Facebook.

Carl

The United Nations (scoff!) last week suspended the world’s largest certifier of offset projects.  Why?  Because “it was unable to prove its staff had properly vetted projects that were then approved for the carbon-trading scheme, or even that they were qualified to do so.”

So?!  Big deal Sherlock!!  Did you really expect them to look at each and every project they certified?  Do you have any idea how much work that would be?  Plus, everyone knows some of the questions they wanted answered are really hard.

Of course, I bet Greenpeace just LOVES this news…I can see them now, just rolling around in it like my dog in a pile of hot dog stand refuse at a county fair.

Jerks.  Why do they have to be so uptight?  Over-thinking everything.

As Carbie the Offsetasaurus sings so beautifully: “Don’t think about the logic, that’s no fun.  Just believe that it works and our work is done!”  I mean, if fifth graders at the Spring Hills Mall can understand this, why can’t the fancy-pants experts at the U.N.?

You know what the biggest problems is with these non-believers?  They rain on everyone’s parade.  Now the press is saying things like “the legitimacy of the $100 billion carbon-trading market has been called into question…” and “a large reliance on domestic and international offsets could undermine confidence in the new carbon market.”

Haven’t these people learned anything from the financial crash?  Problems only started when people started doubting that sub-prime mortgages were worth something.  As long as everyone looked the other way and believed what they were told without thinking too hard, everything was fine.  Some people just don’t learn from history.

Well, we at CROC don’t want to repeat mistakes of the past.  So, let me say to the United Nations: Relax already!  Stop being so nosy!  I’m sure some lobbyist out there can tell you why everything is ok.  Don’t worry about the truth.  Truthiness should be more than enough.

Carl

Wow!  Seems like the world wide interweb is a good way to make friends!  We’ve been online the “net” for only a day, and we’re already hearing from tons of Offset-ateers out there fighting the good fight.

To paraphrase the Beastie Boys, “you gotta fight, for your right, to OFFFFF-SET!!!”

‘Cause if we don’t stand up for offsets who will?  Big polluters like American Electric Power, Duke Energy, BP, ConocoPhillips, DuPont, General Motors, Dow Chemical and Shell?  I don’t think so.

Sure, they may have dropped millions of dollars lobbying Congress for billions of tons of offsets, but what makes you think they’ll get that?  Congress won’t listen to big business.  Never have, never will!

That’s why your help is needed.  You don’t need to be a professional lobbyist for polluting industries (though it could help).  Use the Earned Devastation Calculator!  Spread the word virtually to your real cyber friends on the Facebooks, and to your space on MySpace…and if you are into birds, do the Twitter too.

Can’t let the doubting doubters with their questions win.  We need an Amendment for offsetting.  How many Amendments are we up to in the Constitution?  Ah forget it.  Put it in the Bill of Rights.  Better yet, the Declaration of Independence!

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of ga-zillions of tons of offsets so we can keep polluting as much as we (and giant coal companies) darn please.”

Hey, I think I’m onto something.  Got a nice ring to it doesn’t it?  Who’s with me?  I mean, besides big polluting multi-national corporations?

Carl

Hi dee ho. This is Carl Cordova, official C.R.O.C. spokesperson and, apparently, chief blogger. I was told that to reach the teeming masses of youngsters out there in cyberland, we absolutely had to have one of these.

So here I am. Typing. If you’re reading this you must really love the environment, because at C.R.O.C., we do too. We love it so much, we want to make sure that environmental destruction goes hand in hand with theoretical environmental protection. Makes sense, doesn’t it? We think so.

If you don’t get it, you will. C.R.O.C. is here to help people like you reap the benefits of carbon offsets, then wreak havoc on the environment you love so much. If you haven’t checked out our Earned Devastation Calculator, do it now. It’s the quickest way to find out how much environmental destruction you’re entitled to do. Before you know it, you’ll be acting like a big ol’ multi-national polluter – doing some good things here and there so you get off the hook for bad things you want to do.

Bet you never thought that hybrid of yours would give you the right to set fire to an old-growth redwood forest. Well, today’s the day. And tomorrow looks even brighter, if you don’t think about the pollution. And we sure don’t. It’s been offset, right? You’re damn right it has.